Looking thin…or…How to pose for pictures

Double chin?  Disproportionate nose?  Ham hock upper arms?  Screaming case of stupid face?  All of the above?

Why is it that photographs accentuate those exact features which we are already trying desperately to downplay?  Come ON camera!  Don’t be a b*tch.

I did a little research and pulled together a tidy list of tips in the name of helping you, but really it was 100% out of self-interest.  At least I’m honest.

• Black is indeed slimming.  But so is wearing any monochromatic outfit.  A single color tends to elongate your figure so frolic in the rainbow!
• Use props!  Items can be used to your advantage.  Place them in front of the bits you’d prefer to hide.  Try purses, your cocktail, that bouquet, others’ heads (??).  Even a jacket or wrap slung over the shoulder.
• Need I mention that a tan will make you look and feel skinnier?  No need to invite Darth Cancer into your desperate bid for photogenicism – a spray/cream/bronzer tan will do nicely.
• For my fellow double-chinners…It is wildly important that you not allow the photographer to snap the picture from below!  This adds another 50 pounds to the snapshot, and makes you appear as if your head has been swallowed by your neck.
• Try flashing those pearly whites only just before the camera clicks. Your smile will appear fresh, not frozen.  Sure, your friends will call you superficial but you’ll be the only one without the I-was-talking-when-the-picture-was-taken-and-that’s-why-I-look-like-I’m-shouting! stroke face or is-that-Jane-or-a-Madam-Tussaud’s-doll? frozen face.
• Hold your arms ever so slightly apart from your body.  Vile upper arm flab will be less likely to flatten out and produce the dreaded ham hock look, and thereby appear even flabbier that you are already aware.  Princess Ham Hock here can attest to this.
• Pull head forward slightly to minimize any appearance of double chin.  Overdo this and run the risk of looking like a strung-out chicken.
• Turn partially sideways to the camera, one foot in front of the other.  Point your toe to the camera and place your weight on your back foot.  There are lots of experts that say the weight should be on the front foot, but regardless of where you rest your weight, remember:
• Pull those shoulders back, elongate the neck, chest forward and gently suck stomach in.  Too much tummy suck invites would-be-critics to accuse you of sucking it in.  The trick is to look awesome, not like a poser.

I can’t wait to try these the next time someone takes my picture.  I imagine that I might look like this:

OR…

Mmmmm-hmmm.