Consider a hypothetical situation: It’s Friday night, Ang has gone out and I’m counting down the minutes until Ava goes to bed.
I COULD have gotten a babysitter and gone out with the gals, or at least have invited them over here for some wine and conversation.
But my preference is to be alone. Maybe I’ll read some more of my latest great book, I Was Told There Would Be Cake, or I’ll watch some trashy TV nonreality programming. And I’ll lovity-love it.
I used to be so social. I used go out alot and have lots of friends and crave “doing stuff”, but now – and I don’t know when this transformation occurred – I’m constantly looking forward to when I’ll next be able to switch myself off.
Always the overanalytical-overthinker I’m thinking it means I’m depressed. But maybe I’m just worn the f*** out. I lack the ability to live purely positively in the moment, which means that no matter how pleasurable the moment is I’m always triangulating future possibilities and anticipating the next challenge and the google of ways that it might manifest itself. It’s just bloody exhausting.
So I’m quite conflicted sitting here tonight and looking forward to time alone. I know that I’ll enjoy it but I feel like I’ve thrown away another opportunity to do something meaningful for my psyche.
There’s the old idiom: variety is the spice of life. Maybe if I stopped focusing so much on checking out as often as I can and instead tried some variety and challenge in my routine I’d feel better.
Any other armchair psychologists out there? I’ll wait for your analysis while I allow myself to be hypnotized by the season finale of VH-1’s latest carwreak My Antonio. God I feel pathetic…or would that be apathetic?