I think it was Kramer from Seinfeld who said it best: “Look away! I’m hideous!!”
I’m under self-imposed house arrest right now. I have a cold sore.
The first day wasn’t so bad. My lip had that slightly bee-stung puffiness that Hollywood starlets pay good money for… but then overnight it blossomed into a blister of such heinous appearance, as to render me unfit for public viewing.
I have a big night planned on Saturday with my girlfriends – dinner, drinks, gossip, laughter – but all I can think about is how my attempts to camoflage this grotesque thing with lipstick will only result in caking and crusting – a target of much pointing, behind-the-hand whispers of revulsion, or worst, restaurant-clearing stampede of wild-eyed panicked diners.
For now I’m thinking that if I keep my martini glass constantly at my lips then nobody will be able to see my blistery offender. But then the true offender may become me, as I slur and stumble and stagger my way through the night – blister prominently displayed before lipstick smeared teeth. Wait! Maybe I could wear some of those wax lips? Would anyone notice? Actually that would defeat the eating and drinking angle, so that’s out. SIGH…there are no winners in this game.
I sympathize with the Elephant Man. Pity me… Look away should I pass near you. Hold your children close. I’m a monster.