When you’ve gone through life as I have, as a pathological pleaser, you learn good things like how to share the pleasure of others’ enjoyments but you also almost unconsciously lose sight of your own motivational power. In a nutshell – you get used to getting used to things.
I’ve had a happy life and for the most part have felt fulfilled. And I’m lucky because as a pleaser it would be all too easy for me to fall into the follower role and just go with the flow, much to the detriment of my own needs and desires and dreams. It’s therefore that much more important for types like me (a peacemaker, a lover of all things, and one who just wants everyone to be happy) to remember to tend my own garden as well and caring about others’.
All this to say that sometimes I get a little lax in my own gardening department. Fortunately for me though I married a self-motivated man, albeit a well-meaning but sometimes irritating man. He’s irritating because he’s pushy. When he sees me losing myself he pushes me to do stuff – like stuff for me and about me. That’s how this blog began. He made me do it. For a complacent being like me that is just the epitome of irritating and pushy! There I was all brain dead in my daily grind and he decided to push me out of it and challenge myself – not in an easy way but in a simple and approachable way and in a venue that has potential for more. Pushy, pushy!
I don’t know now whether he feels pride that he’s introduced me to this new love, or dismay at the monster he has created. It’s a delicious outlet that let’s me be as irreverent, silly, serious or creative as I want. It’s a therapy that helps me vent and work things out by really thinking about them and then writing about them. I feel like sometimes he knows me better than I know myself, and he knew that it would be a great way to get me out of a comfortably predictable rut.
But now in the few hours that we snatch together outside of children and work and responsibilities, I’m that much less his. He has to share me with this and I know that’s hard for him. But true love is generous – which must mean that my husband is waaaay in love.